How to Stop Codependency Anxiety

Are you the “therapist” or “mom” in your friend group? Are you always cleaning up other people’s messes (literal and figurative) while secretly hoping someone would do that for you? If so, you’re not alone, but you might be struggling with codependency anxiety. Don’t worry–in this post, we’ll break down the relationship between anxiety and codependency and give you our top tips for how to manage it.

Codependency and anxiety: What’s the link?

Don’t get us wrong–we love that awareness around mental health has grown so much in recent years. At the same time, lots of mental health terms get thrown around or overused on social media these days. “Codependency” is one of them.

Let’s face it: we’re all dependent on each other to some extent. We’re human, and it’s totally normal to rely on other people to meet some of our needs (and vice versa). But when it reaches a point where we’re giving more than we’re receiving, there might be a deeper dynamic at play.

There’s no singular definition of codependency, and it’s not an official mental health diagnosis like anxiety or depression. It also doesn’t mean that you’re “toxic” or a bad person. Rather, it means that you likely have a hard time forming functional, healthy relationships where each person balances giving with receiving. 

Those of us who struggle with anxiety often tend toward the “giving” role in codependent relationships. We feel insecure and want to make sure that we stay in connection with the other person–often a partner, but also family members, friends, and even coworkers. Our anxiety drives us to people-please and push past our own limits just to make sure people still like us.

While this might work for a while, it leaves us feeling icky, resentful, and neglected. Plus, no amount of giving seems to satisfy the worry that we might end up alone. Thankfully, it’s completely possible to break the cycle since codependency is a habit, not a personality trait.

Common signs of anxious codependency

Learning the link between anxiety and codependency is the first step in making those changes. While this dynamic can look different from person to person (and relationship to relationship), there are many common signs to look out for. Here are just a few.

• People-pleasing. You’re overly concerned with what others need, think, feel, and want. You’re quick to drop everything to be there for your loved ones–even if you’re exhausted, inconvenienced, or simply don’t want to. Your friends love this about you, but sometimes you wish they’d be more considerate of what you need.
• Conflict avoidance. You’re (often subconsciously) so worried about being disconnected from others that you avoid conflict at all costs. You can’t stand the thought of fighting with a friend or your partner calling you out on something, so you go out of your way to keep the peace. 
• Trouble setting boundaries. You’re heavy on the “No worries if not!” texts. You want to tell your mom that no, you’re not free to meet up for dinner this week, but you tell her that sounds great and show up anyway. You feel stuck always doing what other people want. 
• Hiding your true feelings. In a similar way, you’re hesitant to share how you really feel–even with the people closest to you. You’d rather stuff the emotions down and deal with them on your own. Somehow, that feels more feasible than being vulnerable with the people you love and risking rejection. 
• Perfectionism. You thrive off of praise–but it’s also never enough. You try to be the perfect partner, friend, son/daughter/cousin/aunt/mom/etc. But even when you do everything “right,” you still have this nagging anxious feeling. You’re scared of making a mistake or not being in control.  
• Low self-worth. You see your value as hinging solely on what you can do for other people. If you can’t be a helper or a caretaker, who even are you?! Would your partner still like you if you didn’t do their laundry, cook them dinner, and painstakingly sit through every movie they want to watch? *Logical* you trusts that they love you for you, but *emotional* you isn’t so sure.

Remember, this isn’t an exhaustive list. Even if some of these signs don’t resonate with you, you may still be able to benefit from our suggestions below. 

10 tips for managing your codependent anxiety

While it takes two to form a codependent dynamic, there’s plenty you can do on your own to learn how to stop codependency anxiety. You can’t always change the people in your life, but you can change how you show up. Here’s how to get started. 

1. Grow your self-awareness

It’s almost impossible to make any meaningful change without some level of insight into the problem. Learning more about codependency anxiety (like you’re doing right now!) is a helpful place to start. Once you understand your mental, emotional, and behavioral patterns, you can begin to shift them.

There are tons of different resources you can use to learn about anxiety and codependency. Mental health blogs, books, and podcasts are a few tools you can use to better understand yourself. Of course, you’re still the expert in yourself–take what’s helpful and leave what isn’t when doing your research. 

Here’s some of our faves:

• The Attachment Project: online information and tools founded by an intergenerational trauma survivor
• Anxiously Attached: Becoming More Secure in Life and Love by Jessica Baum, LMHC: book on healing anxious attachment written by a therapist
• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find—and Keep—Love by Amir Levine, M.D. and Rachel S. F. Heller, M.A.: book on the science behind attachment styles co-written by two mental health professionals
• The Attachment Theory Workbook: Powerful Tools to Promote Understanding, Increase Stability, and Build Lasting Relationships by Annie Chen, LMFT: workbook for healing relationship patterns created by a therapist
• Anxious Love Coach: podcast hosted by a relationship coach who struggled with relationship anxiety herself
• These affirmations for recovering people pleasers: keep them close so you can read them whenever you feel codependency sneaking up on you.

2. Challenge negative thought patterns

Once you fully understand how codependency and anxiety look for you, you can take action to change how you show up in relationships. This starts with noticing the unhelpful thought patterns (AKA cognitive distortions) that keep you stuck in the “giver” role. 

There are tons of different types of cognitive distortions, and they can change from person to person or situation to situation. However, one common example is all-or-nothing thinking. You might think that you need to be perfect or, say, your partner will break up with you. But what is “perfect,” really? And is that actually true? Start noticing–and challenging–these thought patterns as they arise.

3. Start setting boundaries

As we talked about earlier, those of us who struggle with codependency anxiety often have a hard time when it comes to boundaries. While we’ve been conditioned to believe that setting boundaries is “selfish” or pushes other people away, they’re actually meant to be protective. When implemented thoughtfully, they’re an essential part of a healthy, secure relationship. 

Challenge yourself to find ways to set small boundaries. For example, say a coworker invites you to drinks after work on Friday. You might notice that you feel pressure to say yes, even though you really want to head home, order takeout, and binge-watch The Office. It’ll feel tough at first, but this is a great opportunity to advocate for your own needs and tell your coworker you’ll catch them next time.

4. Prioritize self-care

Making time for yourself is essential, especially if you’ve been used to neglecting what you want and need. It might feel uncomfortable to carve out time in your schedule that’s solely dedicated to rest and relaxation, but it’s a key part of healing anxious codependency.

There are so many cliches about self-care: you can’t pour from an empty cup, put your oxygen mask on before someone else’s…the list goes on. But they’re all true. Making sure that you’re taken care of keeps you happy and healthy, and from here you can assess what your capacity to give actually is.

5. Seek support from a professional

Dealing with anxiety and codependency is no joke. While there’s plenty you can do on your own to cope, you don’t have to struggle on your own. Working with a licensed therapist can give you the support, insight, and personalized tools you need to thrive in your relationships.

At Best Therapists, each clinician in our directory has passed our rigorous vetting process so you can focus on finding the right fit–not worrying about quality of care. It’s our mission to support both therapy seekers and providers because we believe that well-compensated, burnout-free therapists provide the best care. Find your match today.

6. Communicate openly and honestly

Here’s a little tough love: if you’re not communicating your wants and needs, you’re part of the problem.

Communication is always key, but it’s especially true when you’re healing from codependency and anxiety. You’ve gone so long hiding how you feel, saying things are okay when they’re really not, and trying to be perfect. While you’ve done this all to protect yourself from getting hurt, it might be time to try something new in your relationships.

Being totally real with other people first requires that you’re real with yourself. Validating your own thoughts and feelings–whether internally, in your journal, in the mirror, or otherwise–can empower you to communicate openly with others. Start small (think: which restaurant do you actually want to go to?) to build confidence.

7. Develop healthy interdependence

It’s more than okay to rely on people to get social, emotional, and even logistical needs met–sometimes. But when your only sense of self is coming from what you can do for other people, it leaves you on shaky ground when you want to step out of that role.

To help you have more fulfilling relationships, we want to lean into interdependence instead of codependence. This means connecting with people because we genuinely want to, not because we feel the need to. It also means striking a healthy balance between giving and receiving. While this is an ongoing process and takes work from both people in a relationship, you can start working toward interdependence by practicing all the things we’ve covered so far, plus…

8. Engage in mindfulness

…i.e., getting grounded. Mindfulness has gotten a lot of hype in recent years, and for good reason. Learning how to ground ourselves in the present moment can help us get in touch with our true emotions, needs, desires, and values when we’re swept up by the pull of anxiety and codependency.

There are so many great ways to practice mindfulness. Meditation apps can be a great tool, along with free guided meditations on YouTube or social media. You can also practice deep breathing skills (try inhaling for 4 seconds, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8) or grounding in your physical environment with the 5-4-3-2-1 technique. These strategies can help with overall anxiety, and they can be extra-useful when you’re feeling heightened or feel a codependency-induced panic attack coming on.

When we feel “heightened,” triggered, activated, or whatever else you want to call it, setting boundaries and advocating for our needs becomes even more difficult. You may find yourself defaulting into the giver role, because that’s what’s made you feel safe in the past. Unfortunately, that’s the exact pattern that we want to break, which makes grounding whenever you feel a surge of codependency anxiety come on so important.

9. Learn to let go

Those of us who struggle with codependent anxiety just. Want. Control. We think that if we can just control everything about ourselves (AKA be “perfect”) and others (hello, people-pleasing) then we’ll be good to go.

It totally makes sense for you to feel this way. At the same time, you wouldn’t be reading this if that strategy was actually working for you. Letting go of control is super hard, but when you can learn to roll with the punches and ride the wave of your emotions, you just might find that you feel a lot less anxious.

10. Celebrate progress & practice patience

Healing is a journey, and change doesn’t happen overnight. Acknowledging and celebrating the baby steps you take along the way is essential to your continued growth. In fact, let’s start right now-kudos to you for even reading this article about how to shift your codependent tendencies!

It’s also important to be patient with yourself throughout this process. We recovering perfectionists are used to having impossibly high standards for ourselves, and letting go is difficult. But it’s so worth it. 

Remember that you’re not only changing your thinking patterns when recovering from codependency anxiety. You’re also physically rewiring your brain and forming new neural pathways that lead to better boundaries, less anxiety, and more honest relationships. This takes time and a lot of practice, so be patient and proud of yourself.

Find a therapist to help you navigate anxiety and codependency today

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