What Emotional Entanglement Is & Is Not

Emotional entanglement can make it really difficult to have balanced, fulfilling relationships. While it might sound like just another buzzword in the mental health space, it actually describes something many of us struggle with–even if we don't realize it.

At its core, emotional entanglement happens when we become so caught up in someone else's emotional world that we lose track of our own. It's like being pulled into their emotional current so strongly that we can't tell where their feelings end and ours begin. Before we know it, we're carrying their emotional weight as if it were our own, leading to burnout and a disconnection from ourselves.

But here's what's important to understand: emotional entanglement isn't the same thing as being a caring, empathetic person. There's absolutely nothing wrong with feeling deeply for others or wanting to support them through difficult times. In fact, these qualities can make our relationships richer and more meaningful–as long as we maintain clear emotional boundaries and stay connected to our own sense of self.

Let's take a closer look at what emotional engagement is and is not, plus some tips for how you can deal with it, so you can have happier, healthier relationships.

What emotional entanglement is

Emotional entanglement is when your emotional wellbeing becomes completely wrapped up in someone else's feelings and experiences–to the point where it's hard to tell which emotions are actually yours.

When we talk about emotional entanglement, we're talking about something that goes way beyond just caring about the people in our lives. It's what happens when we become so deeply connected to others' emotional states that our own feelings get lost in the mix.

You know that friend who's always stressed about work? When you're emotionally entangled, their upcoming presentation might keep you up at night even though you're not the one giving it. Or maybe your partner is going through a tough time, and suddenly you find yourself carrying their emotional weight as if it were your own, even when you're not physically with them.

Think of it like this: healthy relationships are like two separate plants growing side by side, supporting each other while maintaining their own root systems. Emotional entanglement, on the other hand, is more like those plants becoming so intertwined that neither one can thrive on its own anymore.

When we're emotionally entangled, we might:

• Have trouble figuring out if we're actually anxious or just absorbing someone else's anxiety
• Feel responsible for fixing other people's bad moods or difficult situations
• Lose sight of what we want because we're so focused on other people's needs
• End up emotionally exhausted from carrying everyone else's feelings

The tricky part about emotional entanglement is that it often starts from a good place–wanting to be there for the people we care about. But when we're so focused on others that we lose connection with ourselves, that's when we know something needs to change.

What emotional entanglement isn't

Let's be clear: there are lots of healthy ways to empathize and connect with others that don't involve emotional entanglement. Understanding the difference is key to maintaining balanced relationships.

Healthy empathy

You're not emotionally entangled just because you tear up at your best friend's wedding or feel worried when your sister is going through a rough patch. Being able to understand and share feelings with others while staying grounded in yourself is actually a sign of emotional health.

Caring deeply

Having strong feelings for the people in your life is part of what makes us human. Loving deeply, feeling attached, and wanting the best for others doesn't mean you're emotionally entangled–it just means you have a heart.

Supporting others

Being there for someone during tough times isn't the same as getting tangled up in their emotions. Healthy support means you can listen, help, and show up for others while still recognizing where your role ends and theirs begins.

Emotional intelligence

Being good at reading the room or picking up on how others are feeling is actually a strength, not a problem. Understanding emotional dynamics is different from getting lost in them.

Close relationships

Having deep, meaningful connections where you can be vulnerable with each other is beautiful and normal. As long as you maintain healthy boundaries, being emotionally close to others is exactly what relationships are about.

Temporary emotional alignment

Sometimes we naturally resonate with the feelings of those around us–like getting hyped up at a concert or sharing in the joy of a celebration. This kind of temporary emotional alignment is a normal part of human connection.

Here's what it comes down to: you can be empathetic, caring, and deeply connected to others while still maintaining a strong sense of self. The goal isn't to stop feeling or caring–it's about finding that sweet spot where you can be there for others without losing yourself in the process.

The gray area of emotional entanglement

Let's talk about those situations where the line between healthy connection and emotional entanglement starts to blur. After all, relationships are complex, and it's not always easy to know if we're maintaining healthy boundaries or starting to lose ourselves in others' emotional experiences.

Parenting relationships

• Healthy: Being tuned in to your child's emotional world and supporting their growth
• Gray area: Feeling like their every struggle is your personal failure, or being unable to separate their experiences from your own sense of worth

Romantic relationships

• Healthy: Wanting your partner to be happy and being invested in their emotional journey
• Gray area: Feeling solely responsible for their happiness or constantly adjusting your own life to manage their emotional state

Close friendships

• Healthy: Being there for your friends during tough times and celebrating their wins
• Gray area: Spending lots of time worrying about their problems or feeling unable to enjoy life when they're struggling

Family dynamics

• Healthy: Caring about your family's wellbeing and offering emotional support
• Gray area: Becoming the designated emotional caretaker and putting everyone else's emotional needs ahead of your own until you're running on empty

Workplace relationships

• Healthy: Being a supportive, empathetic colleague who contributes to positive team dynamics
• Gray area: Taking your coworkers' stress home with you or feeling personally responsible for their job satisfaction

Helper professions (therapists, nurses, teachers, etc.)

• Healthy: Having compassion for those you serve and feeling deeply committed to your work
• Gray area: Being unable to "turn off" others' pain or trauma after hours, letting it affect your own emotional well-being

How to tell if you're in the "gray area"

Pay attention to:

• How long these feelings last (is it temporary or constant?)
• How intense your reactions are (mild concern vs. all-consuming worry)
• Whether it's affecting your daily life
• If you can maintain your own boundaries
• Whether the emotional give-and-take feels balanced
• How much control you feel you have in the situation

Remember: it's okay to care deeply about others while still maintaining your own emotional space. The goal isn't to care less–it's to care in a way that's sustainable for everyone involved.

Why does emotional entanglement happen?

Let's dive into why some of us tend to get caught up in others' emotional worlds. The thing is, emotional entanglement usually isn't random–it often develops for really understandable reasons that go back pretty far.

Our early life experiences

• Growing up in a family where emotional boundaries were about as clear as mud
• Learning that being "good" meant making others happy, no matter the cost
• Going through difficult experiences that made it hard to trust in relationships

The ways we've learned coping mechanisms

• Using other people's feelings as a way to avoid dealing with our own stuff
• Becoming super sensitive to others' moods because it felt safer that way
• Finding our sense of purpose through being the person everyone relies on

Our internal belief systems

• Taking on the idea that we're responsible for everyone else's happiness
• Thinking that we need to carry others' pain to prove we really care
• Seeing boundaries as something that "selfish" people do

Messages from culture & society

• Getting praised for giving until we're completely drained
• Cultural expectations about who should do the emotional heavy lifting
• Messages about what it means to be a "good" friend/partner/family member

Trying to address unmet needs

• Trying to feel worthy through being needed by others
• Seeking connection by completely merging with someone else's emotional world
• Hoping to heal old hurts through our current relationships

Here's what's important to understand: if you tend to get emotionally entangled, you're not doing anything wrong. These patterns usually start as ways to protect ourselves or feel connected to others. The problem isn't that we developed these patterns–it's that they might not be serving us anymore in our current relationships.

What are the effects of emotional entanglement?

When we're caught up in emotional entanglement for too long, it can start affecting pretty much every area of our lives. Let's break down what that might look like:

Impacts on emotional & mental health

• Feeling anxious or depressed more often than not
• Getting so emotionally drained that even small things feel overwhelming
• Losing touch with who we are outside of our relationships
• Having trouble figuring out how we actually feel about things
• Spending most of our mental energy on other people's problems
• Feeling incredibly guilty whenever we try to set a boundary
• Finding our moods swing up and down based on how others are feeling

The physical toll

• Tossing and turning at night, unable to get good sleep
• Dealing with stress-related health issues that just won't go away
• Feeling physically exhausted all the time
• Getting sick more often than usual
• Experiencing frequent headaches or muscle tension
• Changes in how much or little we want to eat
• Putting our own health needs on the back burner

What it does to relationships

• Finding ourselves in codependent patterns again and again
• Struggling to maintain healthy boundaries (or set them at all)
• Building up resentment toward the people we care about
• Having trouble forming genuine connections
• Somehow always ending up in relationships that drain us
• Finding it hard to be truly intimate with others
• Living in constant fear that people will leave us

Impact on our work life

• Having trouble staying focused and productive
• Bringing work stress home (or home stress to work)
• Taking on everyone else's tasks and responsibilities
• Putting our own career goals on hold to manage others' needs
• Finding it hard to make decisions without running them by others
• Burning out from trying to be everything to everyone
• Having trouble saying "no" to work requests

What it means for personal growth

• Feeling stuck while everyone else seems to be moving forward
• Putting our own dreams and goals on the shelf
• Missing out on opportunities because we're too busy taking care of others
• Not really knowing what we want or value anymore
• Needing others' opinions before we can make any decision
• Delaying important life steps because we're too entangled
• Stretching ourselves thin financially from always giving to others

How to start breaking free from emotional entanglement

Getting untangled from others' emotional worlds isn't something that happens overnight, but there are plenty of ways to start shifting these patterns. Let's break it down into manageable steps:

Getting to know your own emotional world

• Start keeping track of your feelings in a journal (seriously, it helps more than you'd think)
• Notice when your mood suddenly changes because someone else is having a bad day
• Pay attention to which relationships leave you feeling completely drained
• Start spotting what situations tend to pull you into emotional entanglement

Baby steps with boundaries

• Practice saying "no" to small things first (like that coffee date you really don't have energy for)
• Give yourself permission to step away when you're feeling overwhelmed
• Take a beat before responding to every emotional text or call
• Try out phrases like "I care about you AND I need some time to recharge"

Taking care of yourself (for real)

• Create little daily rituals that are just for you
• Find hobbies that have nothing to do with helping others
• Block out regular alone time in your calendar (and actually stick to it)
• Give mindfulness or meditation a try
• Make sure you're meeting your basic needs (yes, sleep and proper meals count)

Getting some professional support

• Consider working with a therapist who really gets this stuff
• Look into support groups where you can meet others on the same journey
• Explore counseling to work through any past experiences that might be driving these patterns
• Think about family therapy if family dynamics are part of the picture

Building emotional skills & resilience

• Practice sitting with uncomfortable feelings (they won't last forever)
• Learn some techniques to manage strong emotions
• Develop ways to comfort yourself when things get tough
• Work on believing your own feelings are valid (because they are)

Reshaping your relationships

• Have honest conversations about how things need to change
• Start introducing boundaries bit by bit
• Seek out people who actually respect your limits
• Focus on building relationships where both people give and take

Looking at the bigger picture

• Get to know who you are outside of your relationships
• Set some goals that are just for you
• Practice making decisions without asking everyone else first
• Start trusting your own judgment more

Here's the thing: this journey isn't always going to be smooth sailing, and that's okay. You're not going to get it perfect right away (none of us do). The goal is progress, not perfection, and every small step counts.

Final thoughts on emotional entanglement

If you've spotted some patterns of emotional entanglement in your own life, first things first: that awareness is huge. Just being able to name what's happening is a major step forward.

And remember, the goal here isn't to stop caring or to build emotional walls around yourself. Instead, it's about finding that balance where you can still be your caring, empathetic self while keeping your own emotional wellbeing intact.

If you're feeling a bit overwhelmed and unsure where to start (which would be completely understandable), remember that you don't have to figure this all out on your own. Working with a therapist can be incredibly helpful in navigating these changes.

Here's what I really want you to take away from all this: your relationships should fill you up instead of draining you dry. And most importantly, you need to care for yourself just as deeply as you care for others. Whatever your next step looks like, take it at your own pace–you're already headed in the right direction.