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Codependency can make it hard to have happy, healthy, fulfilling relationships. Ironically, those of us who struggle with codependency want to connect with others more than anything–so much so that we end up sacrificing our own needs.
And yet, it usually ends up having the opposite effect.
I saw this dynamic play out with my clients when I worked as a therapist. Codependency made it hard for my clients to set boundaries with their parents, have balanced relationships with their partners, and find friends who didn’t take advantage of them.
I also know the pain of codependency firsthand. And while I can’t say that I never struggle with these patterns anymore, my personal experience in therapy has helped me come a long way and find more peace and balance in my relationships than ever.
Through my role as both a therapist and a therapy-seeker, I’ve come to understand that codependency recovery takes time, patience, and vulnerability–but it is possible. Here, I share tips that I gave my clients (and some strategies that have worked well for me personally) to support codependency healing.
Understanding codependency
If you’re here, you’re probably at least somewhat familiar with the concept of codependence. While there’s no singular definition, it’s generally described as a relationship pattern where people prioritize a relationship over their own needs.
The concept of codependency was likely introduced by Alcoholics Anonymous, a peer-led support network for people in recovery from addiction. It was revolutionary because it recognized that addiction goes beyond the substance user themself. It describes a dynamic where addiction can be enabled by loved ones who mean well, but actually interfere with a person’s recovery by trying too hard to “help.”
Melody Beattie’s book Codependent No More, a book based on her own experience of loving someone with an addiction, further popularized the concept.
Nowadays, people use the word “codependent” to describe any kind of “toxic” relationship. (Don’t love how frequently that word is thrown around, but we’ll go with it.) It’s important to note that codependency isn’t a mental health diagnosis or a personality trait, but rather a pattern of relating to others that’s likely learned over generations.
Thankfully, recovery from codependency is possible. And as with so many other problems, the first step is recognizing it.
Codependency & attachment
Like I said, there’s no clear-cut way to say for sure whether you struggle with codependency. There is also more than one way to “be” codependent.
I won’t get too deep into attachment theory in this post, but it’s important to understand that our early relationships with caregivers can deeply impact how we relate to others through adulthood.
These patterns can present in different ways. For those with an avoidant attachment style, you may:
- Feel uncomfortable getting close to others
- Use tools like overworking or substances to avoid difficult feelings
- Feel that those in your life can be too “clingy”
For those with an anxious attachment style, you may:
- Struggle to set boundaries
- Engage in people-pleasing behaviors
- Have a fear of abandonment
While it might seem counterintuitive, people with these two attachment styles often end up together–and engage in codependent relationships. Typically, the avoidant person falls into the “taker” role while the anxious person falls into the “giver” role.
However, it’s not always this cut and dry. Both people in a relationship can struggle with similar codependent behaviors in different ways.
The relationship between codependency and attachment style is complicated, but I’ll sum it this way:
People with anxious attachment tend to engage in codependency by putting the needs of their partner over their own, while people with avoidant attachment may participate in codependency by keeping their partner at arm’s length while still enjoying the emotional security that an anxiously attached person offers.
Phew! What I’m trying to say is that it takes two people to form a codependent dynamic. In cases like this, both people “need” the relationship to fulfill something they can’t give themselves.
Breaking this pattern is all about building up your sense of self. And even though a codependent relationship isn’t one-sided, you’ve got to own your s***. No, it’s not your fault, but taking responsibility for your side of the equation is the only way to make real, lasting progress.
Here’s how to start.
15 tips for how to heal from codependency
Let’s be clear: this isn’t a formula for how to heal codependency, although that would be nice, right? The process is going to be messy and uncomfortable–trust me, I know firsthand from helping my clients and doing my own work in therapy.
But it’s also totally worth it.
(That’s you and I both after consistently implementing these tips).
1. Recognize that you may be struggling with codependent behaviors.
This one is pretty obvious, but let’s not overlook its importance. It’s tough to admit that you’re engaging in codependent behaviors, especially if you struggle with perfectionism like me and so many of my former clients. Admitting we play a part in our problem? We’d rather not.
And yet, it’s the only way to fundamentally change.
If you keep giving your power over to others by saying or thinking things like “if they would just be different, I could change, too,” you’re going to stay stuck in the same patterns. True transformation can only take place once you’re ready to take responsibility for what you can control.
2. Learn more about what codependency is.
Now that you’ve established that you’re ready to face your codependent patterns head-on, it’s time to educate yourself. We’ve covered some of the basics in this post, but there’s a lot more learning to be done.
Thankfully, there are plenty of helpful resources out there. You can read the classic Codependent No More book by Melody Beattie that we discussed earlier, or try a podcast like A Codependent Mind if that’s more your speed. The Co-Dependents Anonymous website also has tons of information that can help you learn more about your patterns.
3. Work on setting boundaries where you can.
Setting boundaries is one of the biggest parts of codependency recovery. It’s also one of the most difficult if you’re used to using strategies like people-pleasing to find your sense of self-worth.
If you’re just starting your codependency healing journey, I’d recommend starting slow–no need to cut off contact with your frenemies right away, unless you’re ready for that. It can be as small as not texting someone back right away if you feel you can’t be fully present for the conversation, or saying no to plans after work one night this week.
4. Prioritize yourself.
On a similar note, learning how to put yourself first is a key component of recovery from codependency–especially if you tend to find yourself in the “giver” role.
When you’re used to thinking about (or rather, assuming) what other people want, it might feel unnatural to ask yourself what you want. Even if it feels too difficult to actually put your own needs first right now, you can start by noticing all the times that your actions are driven by your assumptions about what other people might want or need. This small step can be a game-changer in and of itself.
5. Start building your self-esteem through positive self-talk.
People who engage in codependent relationship patterns often struggle with low self-esteem. You might feel like your only purpose is to serve the needs of others, and when you don’t get the positive reinforcement you’re looking for, your sense of worth suffers.
In order to change this pattern, we need to turn inward for confidence and purpose. After all, you’re the only one who will always be there for you. Start by noticing all the times you speak negatively about yourself in your head. How can you challenge those thoughts and have your own back during these moments?
6. Recognize the difference between solitude and loneliness.
Hearing about this concept on the Ten Percent Happier podcast (find the specific episode I’m referring to here) was a lightbulb moment for me. To paraphrase Oren Jay Sofer’s words, loneliness is feeling disconnected from everyone and everything, while solitude is being alone while maintaining a connection to oneself.
If you can cultivate a deep relationship with yourself, you can enjoy solitude. While I’m not advocating for cutting off contact with all human beings, I think it can be incredibly healing to learn how to enjoy a genuine connection with yourself.
7. Explore interests beyond your relationships.
When we pour ourselves into relationships, it’s easy to ignore all the other things that make us, us. When we no longer feel connected to our interests, we might feel even more stuck in these painful relationship patterns.
You are more than your relationships, and you have more to offer the world (and yourself!) than simply what you can do for others. Reconnecting to the things you enjoy and/or trying new hobbies can help diversify your interests, making it less tempting to only focus on your relationships.
8. Practice mindfulness.
I’m sure you’ve heard all the buzz about mindfulness by this point–it’s pretty much inescapable. But no, you don’t need to become totally enlightened to enjoy the benefits of mindfulness (of which there are many–check out this article from the American Psychological Association).
While daily meditation is one way to implement mindfulness, it’s certainly not a must. Intentionally checking in with yourself throughout the day is a great way to get more in tune with your emotions, needs, and values, all of which can help you set boundaries and put yourself first. The more often you make a point of doing this, the more natural it’ll become.
9. Remind yourself that you’re not in control.
When we engage in codependent behaviors, we’re subconsciously (or sometimes even consciously) trying to exert control. We use strategies like people-pleasing, pulling away, or other tactics to try and manipulate how others respond to us. By doing this, we’re actually trying to manage uncomfortable emotions of our own, like loneliness or feeling “not good enough.”
But the more we play God, the more disappointed and out of control we end up feeling. A big part of healing from codependency is easing up on the reins. Let other people have their own feelings, and let yourself feel your own emotions as well.
10. Celebrate the little wins.
Codependency recovery doesn’t happen overnight. It requires patience, discomfort, and vulnerability–three things that don’t come easily to those of us with these patterns.
It’s so important to be gentle with yourself throughout this process. Change won’t be like a light switch that’s either fully on or fully off. It’s more like a dimmer: the light will slowly get brighter, then maybe darker, and it might flicker, then get brighter again, and so forth.
11. Let yourself make mistakes.
Something that can keep us stuck in the process of healing codependency is striving for perfection. Without even realizing it, you might be embarking on this journey to “become fully healed”–AKA “perfect.”
But that’s the same thinking that drives your codependent patterns. True recovery is about recognizing that you’re human, and that means making mistakes. You’re going to hurt people even when you have the best of intentions. You’re going to feel lonely sometimes. And the sooner we can accept that perfection is never going to happen, the sooner we can fully embrace life.
12. Get to know your inner child–and your inner adult.
You are more than your codependent tendencies, just like you’re more than your hair color or your height or your favorite ice cream flavor (mint chocolate chip, anyone?). There are so many parts that make up who you are, but your identity isn’t defined by any one in particular.
During the process of healing from codependency, it’s important to get in tune with these parts–and embrace all of them. While I could go much more in-depth on this topic, let’s stick to just two parts for now: your inner child and inner adult (or higher self, or grounded self).
Your inner child wants to hold onto your codependent patterns because that’s what has gotten them this far–but your inner adult knows that you can try connecting with people in a whole new way. Getting to know both of these parts is a key piece of your recovery journey.
13. Build resilience.
As we talked about earlier, people who struggle with codependency rely on others to fulfill needs they aren’t capable of meeting themselves. But this can be draining for both parties. When a relationship is formed on the basis of “need” vs. a genuine, grounded desire for connection, it’s bound to be strained.
Building resilience is a key way to combat this. Instead of instinctively turning toward others to meet our emotional needs, practice turning inward first. While everyone needs connection with others, I bet you’re more capable of caring for yourself than you might think. Feeling solid in our ability to self-soothe can help us have more fulfilling relationships with others as well.
14. Find support in appropriate ways.
This isn’t to say that you need to go through this journey alone. In fact, getting support is vital in any kind of healing journey. We just want to make sure that you’re diversifying your support network, which includes yourself.
It can be incredibly validating to talk to other people who have similar experiences. Maybe you have a few trusted friends you can share your story with. You could also consider joining a support group, like Co-Dependents Anonymous. Find a meeting near you with this tool from their site.
15. Consider working with a therapist to break your codependent patterns.
While I think that everyone could benefit from working with a therapist, I highly recommend it if you’re recovering from codependency (or want to start). Having a dedicated space to process all of this stuff can give you a level of clarity that you simply can’t achieve on your own.
Plus, your therapist can give you personalized strategies for how to heal from codependency. While my tips are a great place to start, working with a therapist will help you dive even deeper into how you can shift your specific patterns.
Finding a therapist that I truly connect with has been life-changing for me, and I know it can help you, too. At Best Therapists, we vet all our therapists so you can focus on fit instead of worrying about quality.
