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Everyone gets annoyed with their parents from time to time. But if you have an emotionally immature parent, the struggles in your relationship run much deeper.
Depending on your specific dynamic with your parent, you might feel tense, drained, angry, or resentful when you’re around them. Or, you might avoid interacting with them altogether (which is totally valid, by the way).
If you do want to maintain a connection with your parents, it’s important to be intentional with how you go about it. You can’t change your parent, but you can change how you show up in the relationship.
While these tips won’t magically transform your relationship with your parent, they can help you stay true to yourself and feel more empowered in how you choose to interact with them.
P.S. Not sure if you have an emotionally immature parent? Take our quiz to find out.
13 tips for how to handle emotionally immature parents (from a therapist)
When I worked as a therapist, I met plenty of people with emotionally immature parents. Here are some of the strategies that actually helped them feel better about their relationships with their parents. Hopefully, they can help you, too.
1. Learn about emotionally immature parents
If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance that you’re already well aware of what an emotionally immature parent is.
At the same time, there’s always more to learn. And hearing from experts, as well as other people who’ve experienced the pain of emotionally immature parents, can really help in your healing process.
There are plenty of great resources that can give you more insight and strategies. I recommend checking out the popular book “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents” by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.
You could also look into other books, podcasts, and YouTube videos to learn more about emotionally immature parents and how to deal with them.
2. Let yourself feel your feelings
It sounds simple, but this is easier said than done for people with emotionally immature parents. You likely weren’t taught the skills you need to identify, express, and embrace your emotions in a constructive way.
Thankfully, it’s possible to learn these skills now. Depending on where you’re at in your healing journey, you may be starting at square one–and that’s okay.
Using this feelings wheel helped me when I first started my own journey in therapy. I’ve also given it to tons of clients who’ve used it to help themselves get more in touch with their own emotions. Start by checking in with yourself at least once a day and seeing which feelings on the wheel resonate with your current emotional state.
3. Be intentional about what you share
If you choose to continue a relationship with your parents, boundaries are key. You probably already know this in theory, but what does this actually look like in practice?
Boundaries can take on tons of different forms, so let’s start with something simple: what you choose to share with your parents.
Maybe you’d love to be able to go to your parent for emotional support around a difficult conversation with your boss. But if you know that past conversations about work have made you feel like s***, think twice before opening up.
Let’s be clear: I’m not advocating for relationships in which you have to hide parts of who you are. At the same time, it’s also important to protect your energy if you still want to maintain a relationship with your parent(s).
4. Be as clear as possible about boundaries
Speaking of boundaries, it’s important to be as clear as possible when setting boundaries with your emotionally immature parent.
For example, maybe your parent makes comments about your body that make you feel uncomfortable. In the past, you may have tried to brush these comments off or change the subject (which are valid responses, but may not be effective long-term).
If you’re interested in setting a boundary, you could say something like: “It hurts my feelings when you make comments about my body. I don’t want to talk about this with you, so if you continue saying these things, I’ll end our phone call.”
This outlines what exactly you need and expect from your parent so there’s no ambiguity.
5. Enforce your boundaries
Communicating boundaries is only half the battle. They mean nothing if you don’t follow through with them, and your relationship will stay the same if you don’t enforce the boundaries you set.
To use the example above, this means actually hanging up the phone if your parent makes another comment about your body.
This might feel uncomfortable, harsh, or even mean if you’re not used to enforcing your boundaries. It’s okay if you feel this way, but don’t let these emotions be an excuse to go back on your commitment to yourself.
Following through with your boundaries teaches your parents what you’ll put up with and what you won’t tolerate. Even if it doesn’t change their actions in the long run, you’ll build a sense of empowerment knowing that you have your own back.
If you struggle to uphold boundaries, check out our list of people pleasing affirmations. They help!
6. Re-evaluate as needed
The boundaries you have with your parents right now don’t need to be permanent. You can adjust them as your dynamic, needs, capacity, and emotional safety inevitably fluctuate.
Maybe you feel okay with having weekly phone calls with your parent right now. But if they keep making comments about your body, for example, it’s within your control to cut down on the frequency.
If you notice that they respect your boundaries and you feel the desire to talk more often, you could consider chatting over FaceTime more frequently.
Of course, this is just an example to show that you’re allowed to change your mind. Check in with yourself regularly to keep a pulse on what you need and how you’re feeling.
7. Regulate before responding
If you notice feeling triggered by conversations with your parent (think: racing heart, feeling frozen, sweaty palms, feeling on edge, or having a tendency to snap back), learning how to regulate your emotions is key.
Texts and phone calls are a good place to start. When you see your parent’s name pop up on your phone, take stock of what feelings come up. Consult your feelings wheel if needed 😉
While it might be tempting to respond right away to get rid of any uncomfortable feelings you’re having, I challenge you to take some space. You can return to the conversation once you feel more grounded.
The same goes for phone calls. You don’t have to answer the phone if your parent calls you out of the blue. As for in-person conversations: it’s always okay to ask for space or say that you need to think for a minute before responding to a question or request.
8. Adjust your expectations
Your parents may change their behavior over time–or they may not.
Adjusting your expectations is an important part of dealing with emotionally immature parents. It can be hard to let go of the hope that they’ll go to therapy, take ownership of their behavior, prioritize your emotional needs over theirs, etc.
It’s okay to hope, but don’t let that hope drive your decisions. Instead, focus on accepting the possibility (or reality) that your parent won’t be able to show up for you in the way that you really want.
This realization can induce some intense feelings of grief, so be ready for that. It can also be helpful to adjust your expectations of yourself. For example, being the “perfect” child might not yield a different outcome in your relationship with your parent, so focus on showing up in a way you’re proud of instead.
9. Get support
Navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature parent can be a grueling process full of heartache, anger, disappointment, and growing pains. But, it’s also worth it for your mental and emotional well-being.
Getting support from other trusted sources is essential. Your other relationships can act as a refuge when you’re in the thick of it. Can you share your feelings with your partner? Rely on a close friend to make you laugh and take your mind off of things? Consider the different ways you can connect with others.
I also recommend working with a therapist. While having people in your personal life who really get you is crucial, your therapist can give you specialized strategies and resources to help you process and heal.
Plus, your therapist can help you in a way that your loved ones can’t. Since they’re a third party who’s not directly involved in your life, they can provide a unique, valuable perspective.
10. Remind yourself of your responsibilities
Being emotionally immature means that your parent’s developmental age (in terms of their emotional development) doesn’t necessarily match their chronological age. As a result, you may have had to “be the parent” in the relationship at times.
As a child, you didn’t have a choice but to do this. You did what you needed to do in order to stay connected to your parent, which was essential for your survival.
Now that you’re an adult, it’s important to remind yourself what you’re currently responsible for. While you may have been used to attending to your parent’s emotional needs, you don’t have to do that anymore.
Of course, it’s one thing to know this logically and quite another to feel the truth of it in your heart. But reminding yourself of this can help ground yourself in the present and guide your decision when it comes to healing with your emotionally immature parent.
11. Be the parent that you need
On a similar note, now is your opportunity to be the parent you wish you had.
Let’s circle back to the concept of grief. It can be incredibly painful to acknowledge that your parent wasn’t and still isn’t the parent you need them to be. Allow yourself to feel that grief.
While you can’t go back in time and change your parent (or even change them in the present), you can tap into your inner parent. By letting yourself feel your feelings, setting boundaries, and having your own back, you’re caring for yourself like a tender, loving parent.
If the whole “inner child” and “inner parent” thing doesn’t resonate with you, consider thinking of the “big sister” or “big brother” version of yourself. You could also think of this as “higher self” if that language feels better for you.
12. Practice empathy
Surprised to see this one on here? With all this talk of setting boundaries and remembering your responsibility to yourself, you might be wondering where empathy fits into the equation.
Let’s tread lightly here. I’m not saying that you should condone your parent’s behavior or explain it away by saying “they’re doing the best they can” or “others have it worse.”
Instead, I see empathy as a way to avoid demonizing your parent and yourself. When healing from emotionally immature parents, you might feel tempted to blame your parent for all of your current problems. After all, if they were a better parent, you wouldn’t be struggling in this way, right?
That’s true to some extent, but blaming is just a way of avoiding feelings. It doesn’t actually solve anything or help you feel better in the long run. Instead, it creates a “versus mindset.” (Not a technical term, but one that my partner came up with and my therapist has since adopted 😆.)
If you view your relationship with your parent as a you vs. them situation, you’re also banishing the parts of yourself that might struggle to put others’ emotional needs first, push others’ boundaries, or express yourself in a calm, constructive way.
All of this is to say that your conflict with your parent may also be reflective of an inner conflict of your own. By tapping into empathy for your parent’s struggle, you can also find some grace for yourself.
13. Recognize that healing isn’t an end-state
It’s highly unlikely that you’ll ever reach a place where you’re done healing.
You might find that you’re done trying to form a relationship with your parent (which is valid, by the way), but even this doesn’t mean that your emotional processing stops.
Accepting that learning how to deal with an emotionally immature parent is an ongoing process can help manage your expectations and mitigate feelings of disappointment.
What to avoid when dealing with emotionally immature parents
We’ve discussed what you should try when navigating your relationship with an emotionally immature parent. Now, let’s touch on some things to avoid.
- Don’t backtrack on your boundaries. Like I said earlier, following through with your boundaries is key. A boundary without enforcement isn’t a boundary.
- Don’t match their energy. While it can be tempting to scream back at your parent or slam doors like they do, this won’t help you heal in the long run.
- Don’t feel guilty for taking care of yourself. Well, it’s actually totally valid to feel guilty. Just honor this feeling without letting it derail your efforts to protect your emotional energy.
- Don’t avoid it. It takes a lot of work to change your own patterns, and you might feel like it’s easier to just keep going along with things the way they are. While this is certainly an option, you wouldn’t be reading this if you weren’t considering changing your approach.
- Don’t be too hard on yourself. Dealing with an emotionally immature parent isn’t easy, and you won’t handle things perfectly every time. Be kind to yourself as you learn new ways to navigate your relationship.
Keep these pointers in mind as you start implementing the other tips above.
Why learn how to deal with an emotionally immature parent
I’ve said more than once that dealing with immature parents isn’t easy. If it was, you wouldn’t be looking for tips 😉
But the process is worth it, even if it ultimately doesn’t change how your parent acts. Here’s why.
- You’ll become your #1. When you consistently set (and enforce) boundaries, you show yourself that you can have your own back. Support from others is necessary, but being able to truly rely on yourself is an irreplaceable feeling.
- You’ll grow your own emotional maturity. All of the strategies I shared above are also ways to foster your own emotional growth. Emotional immaturity isn’t a life sentence–you may not have been taught these skills, but you can learn them now.
- Your other relationships may benefit. Being intentional with how you approach your parent can also give you practice to make your other relationships even stronger, too.
- Your mental health can improve. Having an emotionally immature parent can take a toll on your overall well-being. These strategies can help you protect your emotional energy.
- You’ll boost your self-esteem. Teaching your parent that you won’t tolerate disrespectful (or downright abusive) behavior sends a message to yourself that you’re worthy of respect. This can change how you treat yourself for the better.
Remember, you’re doing this for you–no one else.
Work with a therapist to learn how to deal with immature parents without compromising your mental health.
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