Mommy Issues in Women: 13 Examples in Different Relationships & Settings

Ever catch yourself apologizing for things that aren't your fault? Or maybe you've noticed you're constantly seeking approval from people who can't seem to give it? Do you struggle with boundaries in a way that feels...familiar?

If you're nodding along, you might be dealing with what people casually call "mommy issues." And before you cringe at the term (I know, I know, it feels loaded), let me say this: recognizing these patterns isn't about blaming your mother or deciding your relationship with her was "bad."

The mother-daughter relationship is one of the most complex, formative bonds we'll ever have. Whether your mom was critical, emotionally distant, overprotective, inconsistent, or even just doing her best in really hard circumstances, those early experiences created a blueprint for how you show up in relationships today.

And here's the thing: those patterns don't stay contained to your relationship with your mom. They ripple out into your romantic relationships, your friendships, how you parent (if you have kids), your career, and honestly? How you talk to yourself when no one else is listening.

The term "mommy issues" gets thrown around a lot, and it often carries this shame with it, especially for women. We're supposed to have this natural, uncomplicated bond with our mothers, right? When that's not the case, or when that relationship left some wounds, it can feel isolating.

But you're not alone in this. Learning to recognize these patterns is often the first step toward healing them, and that's exactly what we're going to do here.

In this post, I'll walk you through specific examples of how mommy issues show up across different areas of life: in romantic partnerships, friendships, parenting, work environments, and in your relationship with yourself. Some of these might resonate deeply. Others might not apply to you at all. Take what helps, and leave the rest 💛

In romantic relationships: Recreating or rejecting mom

Example 1: The anxious attachment seeker

• What it is: Constant need for reassurance and fear of abandonment in romantic relationships
• Scenario: Sarah needs almost constant communication from her partner to feel secure. If he doesn't text back within an hour, she spirals into anxiety, convinced he's losing interest or about to leave. She checks his social media obsessively, needs frequent reassurance that he loves her, and interprets small changes in his behavior as signs of abandonment. When he wants alone time or a night with friends, she feels rejected and panics. Her mother was inconsistently available during her childhood, sometimes warm and attentive, other times cold and withdrawn with no predictable pattern. Sarah learned that love is unpredictable and must be constantly monitored and secured. Her partners feel suffocated by her need for constant connection, but she genuinely can't feel safe without it.

Example 2: The emotionally distant partner

• What it is: Extreme discomfort with vulnerability and emotional closeness in romantic relationships
• Scenario: When Lisa's boyfriend tells her he loves her or wants to discuss the relationship's future, she changes the subject, makes a joke, or picks a fight to create distance. She's attracted to emotional unavailability in partners because it feels familiar and safe. When someone is actually emotionally available and wants real intimacy, she feels trapped and suffocated. Her mother was either emotionally cold or used emotional intimacy as a form of control and manipulation. Lisa learned that opening up means getting hurt or losing herself. She desperately wants connection but can't tolerate the vulnerability it requires, so she sabotages relationships right when they get real.

Example 3: The people pleaser

• What it is: Difficulty maintaining boundaries and prioritizing own needs in relationships
• Scenario: Maya constantly puts her partner's needs, preferences, and feelings ahead of her own. She agrees to things she doesn't want to do, stays silent when hurt, and molds herself into whatever she thinks will make him happy. When he asks what she wants for dinner or where she'd like to go, she genuinely doesn't know because she's so used to prioritizing others that she's lost touch with her own desires. If he's upset, even about something unrelated to her, she feels responsible for fixing his emotions. Her mother was either highly critical when Maya expressed needs or was so fragile that Maya had to caretake her emotionally. She learned that her worth comes from making others happy and that her own needs don't matter or will burden others.

In friendships: Competition and conditional connection

Example 4: The competitive friend

• What it is: Struggling to celebrate friends' successes without feeling threatened
• Scenario: When Rachel's best friend got engaged, Rachel's first internal reaction was jealousy and comparison rather than joy. When another friend got a promotion, Rachel immediately mentioned her own career accomplishments or minimized the achievement. She keeps score in friendships, noting who texted last or who planned the last hangout. She has difficulty being genuinely happy for friends without making it about herself or feeling like their success diminishes her. Her mother constantly compared her to other girls, siblings, or an idealized version of who she should be. Rachel learned that love and approval are finite resources earned through competition, not freely given. She can't enjoy her friends' wins because she sees them as her losses.

Example 5: The chameleon friend

• What it is: Changing personality and opinions to match whoever she's with
• Scenario: Jessica has different personalities depending on which friend group she's with. With one group she's the party girl, with another she's the serious intellectual, with another she's the wholesome homebody. She agrees with whatever opinions are being expressed, mirrors others' energy, and rarely shares her true thoughts if they might be unpopular. She's terrified of disappointing people or being rejected, so she becomes whoever she thinks others want her to be. Her mother only showed approval when Jessica conformed to her expectations and withdrew love when Jessica expressed her own identity. Jessica learned that her authentic self is unlovable, so she's created multiple versions of herself that she swaps out depending on the audience. Her friends don't really know her, and neither does she.

In parenting: Breaking or repeating cycles

Example 6: The anxious overprotective mother

• What it is: Extreme anxiety and controlling behavior with own children
• Scenario: Amy can't let her kids take age-appropriate risks without spiraling into catastrophic thinking. She hovers at the playground, checks on them multiple times at night, and restricts their independence far beyond what's necessary for safety. She struggles to let them have their own feelings, rushing to fix any discomfort immediately. When her daughter is sad, Amy can't tolerate it and either dismisses the feeling or takes over solving the problem. She knows logically she's being overprotective, but her anxiety feels life-or-death. Her own mother was neglectful or absent, and Amy vowed never to make her kids feel unprotected. But in overcorrecting, she's creating the enmeshment and anxiety that will become her children's patterns. She's so afraid of repeating her mother's mistakes that she's made different ones.

Example 7: The emotionally checked-out mother

• What it is: Difficulty connecting emotionally with children or meeting their emotional needs
• Scenario: When her son comes to her crying about a friendship problem, Natalie feels overwhelmed and irritated rather than compassionate. She gives quick advice, tells him to toughen up, or changes the subject. She provides physical care like food and clean clothes but struggles with the emotional attunement kids need. She feels guilty about her emotional distance but doesn't know how to bridge it. She's present physically but absent emotionally. Her own mother was either emotionally unavailable or so emotionally enmeshed that Natalie never learned the middle ground. She doesn't know how to hold space for emotions without either shutting down or being consumed by them. She's accidentally recreating the emotional unavailability she experienced, even though she swore she wouldn't.

At work: Approval and assertion

Example 8: The chronic overachiever

• What it is: Basing entire self-worth on professional achievement and external validation
• Scenario: Emma works 60-hour weeks, volunteers for every project, and has built her entire identity around career success. She checks work email at midnight, on weekends, and during vacations. When she receives critical feedback, even constructive, she spirals into shame and self-doubt for days. She can't enjoy her accomplishments because she's already focused on the next goal. If she's not being productive, she feels worthless. Her mother's love and approval were conditional on achievement and perfection. Emma learned that she's only valuable when she's succeeding and producing. Rest feels like failure. No amount of success fills the void because the problem isn't her achievements; it's the belief that she must earn the right to exist.

Example 9: The authority struggle

• What it is: Difficulty with female authority figures and workplace hierarchy
• Scenario: Every time Melissa has a female boss, the relationship becomes fraught. She takes feedback as personal attacks, sees normal management as micromanaging, and feels competitive rather than collaborative. She either becomes overly deferential and people-pleasing or bristles at any direction given. With male bosses, she has no issue taking feedback or following leadership. Her relationship with her mother was either competitive, critical, or involved power struggles where neither could be themselves. Now any woman in a position of authority triggers those old dynamics. She can't separate professional hierarchy from her unresolved mother wounds, and it's limiting her career growth.

In self-relationship: Internal mother voice

Example 10: The harsh inner critic

• What it is: Relentless self-criticism and inability to show self-compassion
• Scenario: The voice in Stephanie's head is cruel and unrelenting. When she makes a mistake, even a small one, her internal dialogue is vicious: "You're so stupid. Why can't you do anything right? You're a failure and everyone can see it." She speaks to herself in ways she would never speak to anyone else. She can't accept compliments or acknowledge her strengths without immediately listing her flaws. When she looks in the mirror, all she sees is what's wrong. Her mother was hypercritical, and Stephanie internalized that voice. Now her mother doesn't even need to be present for Stephanie to experience the criticism; she does it to herself automatically. The abuse has become self-inflicted.

Example 11: The self-neglect specialist

• What it is: Consistent pattern of ignoring own needs, health, and wellbeing
• Scenario: Claire takes care of everyone else but can't seem to take care of herself. She skips meals, ignores health symptoms, doesn't rest when sick, and feels guilty spending money or time on herself. She'll bend over backward to help others but won't ask for help when she needs it. Her personal space is neglected while she ensures everyone else is comfortable. Self-care isn't laziness to her; it literally doesn't occur to her that her needs matter. Her mother either modeled this same self-neglect or treated Claire's needs as burdensome and selfish. Claire learned that caring for herself is indulgent and that her value comes from serving others. She's running on empty but doesn't feel she has permission to fill her own cup.

In emotional regulation: Patterns from childhood

Example 12: The emotional suppressor

• What it is: Inability to identify, feel, or express emotions in healthy ways
• Scenario: When asked how she feels, Brooklyn genuinely doesn't know. She's disconnected from her emotional experience, operating primarily from logic and "shoulds." When something upsetting happens, she immediately jumps to problem-solving without acknowledging the feeling. She describes feeling "fine" when she's clearly not. When emotions do break through, they come out sideways as irritability, physical symptoms, or sudden breakdowns that seem to come from nowhere. Her mother either couldn't handle Brooklyn's emotions, punished emotional expression, or was so emotionally volatile that Brooklyn learned to shut down her own feelings for safety. She wasn't allowed to have feelings then, so she doesn't know how to have them now.

Example 13: The emotional overwhelm reactor

• What it is: Intense, dysregulated emotional responses that feel out of control
• Scenario: Small stressors send Vanessa into complete overwhelm. A minor conflict at work ruins her entire week. If plans change unexpectedly, she has a breakdown. She experiences emotions at maximum intensity with no middle ground, going from fine to crisis instantly. She might cry uncontrollably over small disappointments or rage at minor frustrations. Afterward, she feels ashamed and confused about why she reacted so intensely. Her mother either modeled emotional dysregulation, was too fragile to help Vanessa regulate her emotions, or dismissed her feelings entirely. Vanessa never learned emotional regulation skills, so her nervous system treats everything like an emergency. She's not being dramatic; her system genuinely doesn't know the difference between a real threat and a disappointment.

Understanding why this happens & what helps

Why these patterns exist

Here's what I want you to know: these patterns aren't your fault, and they're not evidence that your mother was a terrible person (even if your relationship was really hard).

What we're talking about here is how early experiences with your primary caregiver—usually your mom—shaped the way your brain and nervous system learned to navigate relationships. As daughters, we weren't just learning how to connect with people. We were also learning what it means to be a woman, whether our needs matter, if our feelings are acceptable, and how much space we're allowed to take up in the world.

When those needs for safety, consistency, emotional attunement, or validation weren't consistently met (and let's be real—no parent is perfect), you developed strategies to cope. Maybe you learned to be perfect to earn love. Maybe you made yourself small to avoid being a burden. Maybe you learned to fight for attention, or to shut down your emotions entirely because expressing them wasn't safe.

Those coping mechanisms made total sense in the environment you were in. They helped you survive. But here's the tough part: what protected you then often creates problems now.

These patterns have a way of showing up strongest in the places that matter most. You might be crushing it at work, totally in control and confident, and then a romantic partner says something that hits just right, and suddenly you're spiraling in a way that feels completely out of proportion. Or you're fine until you become a parent yourself, and then old wounds resurface in ways that catch you off guard.

This isn't weakness. This isn't you being "damaged" or broken. These are unhealed wounds from your developmental years that affect how your nervous system interprets safety, love, worthiness, and conflict. Your body remembers what happened even when your mind has moved on.

What actually helps

The most important step is recognition with self-compassion. Naming these patterns isn't about blaming yourself or your mother. 

It's about understanding what's driving behavior so you can make different choices. You didn't create these patterns consciously, but you can heal them intentionally.

• Therapy is essential for deep healing work. A therapist, especially one trained in attachment theory, Internal Family Systems, or trauma, can help identify specific patterns from childhood and how they show up now. They provide a corrective emotional experience where you can be fully seen and accepted, which rewires the old patterns. This isn't something you can just think your way through.
• Learn to identify your triggers and early warning signs. Start noticing when you feel the urge to people-please, withdraw, seek excessive reassurance, become critical, or recreate old dynamics. What situations or relationship moments activate your patterns? When you can identify the trigger before you react automatically, you have a moment of choice.
• Develop emotional awareness and regulation skills. Many mommy issues stem from never learning how to identify and manage emotions in healthy ways. Practices like mindfulness, somatic therapy, or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills can help you stay present with uncomfortable feelings instead of suppressing or being overwhelmed by them.
• Practice setting boundaries without guilt. If you struggle with people-pleasing or self-neglect, start with tiny boundaries. Say no to one thing you don't want to do. Express one preference. Notice the discomfort without immediately backing down. Boundaries aren't selfish; they're how healthy relationships function. You can learn this skill even if it feels impossible right now.
• Challenge the internalized critical voice. That harsh voice in your head was learned. It's not the truth about who you are. When you notice self-criticism, ask: Would I talk to a friend this way? Where did I learn to speak to myself like this? What would it sound like to speak to myself with compassion? This takes practice, but you can slowly replace the old voice with a kinder one.
• Grieve what you didn't receive. Part of healing involves acknowledging the pain of what you needed but didn't get from your mother. This isn't about blaming her; it's about honoring your own experience. You deserved attunement, safety, and unconditional love. Grieving that loss makes room for healing.

Moving forward with compassion

Recognizing these patterns doesn't mean you're broken or damaged or destined to repeat them forever. It just means you're finally seeing the blueprint you've been working from. And once you can see it, you can start to change it.

I know it can feel heavy to realize that so much of how you show up in relationships traces back to your early experiences with your mom. But here's what I've learned: awareness really is where healing starts. You can't address patterns you don't know exist.

The good news is that these patterns can absolutely be transformed. It takes intentional work—I won't sugarcoat that—and it usually requires support from a therapist who understands attachment wounds and mother-daughter dynamics. But you can learn to have relationships where you feel genuinely secure. Where you don't have to constantly shape-shift to be acceptable. Where you can set boundaries without drowning in guilt. Where you treat yourself with the kindness and compassion you needed all along.

You can break the cycles you swore you'd never repeat. You can create new ones.

If you're struggling with these patterns, reaching out to a therapist is one of the most powerful things you can do for yourself. You don't have to keep living out the same painful dynamics over and over. With the right support, a whole lot of self-compassion, and commitment to your own growth, you can heal these wounds and build the kind of relationships and life you actually want.

It's not always easy, but I promise you it's worth it 💛

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