20 Self Sabotaging Relationships Examples

Ever feel like you’re getting in your own way when it comes to relationships? You’re not alone. Self-sabotage is more common than you might think, and it can show up in ways that aren’t always obvious.

Maybe you push people away when they get too close. Or you pick fights over little things. Or you keep choosing partners who aren’t actually good for you. These patterns can feel frustrating—like you’re stuck in a loop you can’t break.

The good news? Recognizing self-sabotaging behaviors is the first step to changing them. Below, we’ll dive into 20 common ways people sabotage their relationships—plus some insights on how to stop.

What self sabotaging a relationship is and is not

Self-sabotaging in relationships means engaging in behaviors or thought patterns that make it harder to build a healthy, lasting connection—even when you genuinely want one. These patterns often come from deep-seated fears, insecurities, or past wounds. Without realizing it, people who self-sabotage might create distance or conflict as a way to protect themselves from getting hurt.

Common self-sabotaging behaviors

• Pulling away when things start to feel too serious
• Fixating on flaws in the relationship or partner
• Avoiding commitment or emotional vulnerability
• Picking fights over minor issues
• Falling into unhealthy communication patterns

What's not self-sabotage

Sometimes, people mistake healthy decisions for self-sabotage. For example:

• If you walk away from a relationship because your core values don’t align, you might second-guess yourself and wonder if you’re sabotaging something good.
• In reality, recognizing real incompatibilities and making tough choices based on them is a sign of self-awareness—not self-sabotage.

The key difference? Self-sabotage works against your true needs and desires, while setting boundaries or acknowledging incompatibility—though hard in the moment—actually supports your long-term well-being.

Examples of self sabotaging intimate relationships

1. The Commitment-Phobe: Avoiding deeper emotional connections or future planning.

• Scenario: When Sarah's partner of two years suggests moving in together, she panics and says, "I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of commitment. Maybe we should take a break to think things over."

2. The Jealousy Junkie: Constantly doubting loyalty without reason.

• Scenario: Mike obsessively checks his girlfriend’s phone and social media, questioning every interaction. "I saw you liked your coworker’s post. Are you into him? I knew you’d leave me for someone else eventually."

3. The Perfectionist: Setting unrealistic expectations for the relationship or partner.

• Scenario: Emma nitpicks everything her boyfriend does, saying, "If you really loved me, you’d just know what I need without me having to spell it out."

4. The Past Dweller: Bringing up old conflicts or exes over and over.

• Scenario: In the middle of an argument, Tom snaps, "You’re just like my ex! I knew I couldn’t trust anyone after what she put me through."

5. The Emotional Wall: Refusing to open up or be vulnerable.

• Scenario: When her partner asks how she’s feeling, Lisa shrugs and says, "I'm fine," even when it’s clear something’s wrong—shutting down any chance of real connection.

6. The Scorekeeper: Keeping track of every perceived mistake or imbalance in the relationship.

• Scenario: After his partner forgets to pick up his dry cleaning, Alex sighs, "I guess I’ll just do it myself, like I do everything around here. Don’t forget this next time you need a favor."

7 .The Escape Artist: Dodging tough conversations or conflict.

• Scenario: Every time Rachel brings up their money struggles, her partner suddenly remembers "urgent" work emails or decides right now is the perfect time to reorganize the garage.

8. The Comparison Maker: Measuring the relationship against others or unrealistic ideals.

• Scenario: Jack often tells his wife, "Why can't we be more like Bob and Susan? They never argue and always seem so happy. Maybe we're just not meant to be."

9. The Self-Deprecator: Rejecting compliments and putting oneself down.

• Scenario: When her girlfriend says she loves her new haircut, Mia scoffs, "You don’t have to lie. I know I don’t look good."

10. The Ultimatum Giver: Threatening to end the relationship during minor disagreements.

• Scenario: During an argument about household chores, David exclaims, "If you can't appreciate everything I do around here, maybe we should just break up!"

Examples of self sabotaging friendships

11. The Chronic Canceller: Regularly backing out of plans at the last minute.

• Scenario: Alex agrees to grab dinner with friends but bails an hour before, texting, "Not feeling up to it tonight. Maybe next time." This isn’t a one-time thing—it happens almost every time plans are made.

12. The Oversharer: Sharing too much, too soon, and overwhelming new friends.

• Scenario: The second time Sarah hangs out with her new friend, she dives into deep details about her childhood trauma and therapy. The sudden intensity makes her friend uneasy.

13. The Constant Competitor: Always trying to one-up friends' achievements or experiences.

• Scenario: When Mike shares excitement about a promotion, his friend Jake immediately responds, "That's cool, but wait till you hear about the amazing opportunity I just got. It's way better!"

14. The Ghosting Ghost: Disappearing for months, then acting like nothing happened.

• Scenario: Emma stops responding to her friend group's messages for months. When she finally resurfaces, she acts surprised that they're upset, saying, "Oh, I've just been busy. What's the big deal?"

15. The Emotional Vampire: Expecting constant support but never giving it back.

• Scenario: Tom calls Lisa daily to unload his problems but never asks how she’s doing. When Lisa tries to share her struggles, Tom quickly redirects the conversation back to himself.

16. The Jealous Friend: Feeling threatened by new friendships or successes.

• Scenario: When Rachel mentions hanging out with a new coworker, Olivia goes cold. "I guess I’m not good enough anymore. You probably like your new friends better."

17. The Flake: Making promises but never following through.

• Scenario: David offers to help his friend move, but when the day comes, he’s nowhere to be found. He finally texts the next day with a vague excuse.

18. The Boundary Pusher: Ignoring friends' personal limits.

• Scenario: Mia’s friend has made it clear she’s uncomfortable with too much physical touch, but Mia keeps hugging her and sitting too close anyway. "Relax! That’s what friends do!"

19. The Secret Keeper: Hiding important info that could affect the friendship.

• Scenario: John starts dating his best friend’s ex but doesn’t say anything, hoping it won’t come up. When it inevitably does, the damage to their trust is hard to repair.

20. The Fair-Weather Friend: Only being available or interested when things are going well.

• Scenario: When Chris loses his job and needs support, Pete is suddenly too busy to hang out. But when Chris lands an even better-paying job, Pete magically has time again.

The impact of self sabotaging on relationships

Self-sabotaging behaviors can take a serious toll on both romantic and platonic relationships. Here’s how it often plays out:

• Fear of intimacy: Pushing people away to avoid getting too close, even when deep down, connection is what you want.
• Negative beliefs: Doubting your worth or assuming relationships will fail can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• Unhealthy behaviors: Cheating, lying, or being overly critical can slowly chip away at trust and connection.
• Communication breakdown: Struggling to express feelings or avoiding tough conversations can lead to misunderstandings and conflict.
• The cycle of dysfunction: Without awareness or change, self-sabotaging patterns can repeat, making it harder to build strong, lasting relationships.

Recognizing and addressing self sabotage

If you find yourself stuck in a cycle of pushing people away, doubting relationships, or creating unnecessary conflict, self-sabotage might be at play. The good news? Awareness is the first step toward change. Here’s how you can start breaking the pattern:

• Therapy: A therapist can help you uncover the fears, insecurities, or past experiences driving your self-sabotaging behaviors. They’ll also guide you in developing healthier, more constructive relationship patterns.
• Self-Awareness: Start paying closer attention to your thoughts, feelings, and actions in relationships. Are you shutting people out when they get too close? Picking fights over minor issues? Doubting a good thing for no real reason? Identifying these patterns can help you take back control.
• Healthy Coping Mechanisms: Self-sabotage often stems from fear—fear of getting hurt, fear of failure, or even fear of success. Instead of letting those fears dictate your actions, work on managing stress and emotions in a healthy way. This might mean practicing mindfulness, journaling, exercising, or seeking professional support.
• Building Trust: If trust issues fuel your self-sabotage, focus on rebuilding trust—both in others and in yourself. This means setting realistic expectations, communicating openly, and allowing people to show you they’re reliable instead of assuming the worst.
• Seeking Support: You don’t have to do this alone. Talk to close friends, join a support group, or confide in a trusted mentor. Sometimes, an outside perspective can help you see your blind spots and encourage you to make positive changes.

Breaking free from self-sabotaging patterns takes time and effort, but it’s absolutely possible. By addressing the root causes and committing to healthier relationship habits, you can build stronger, more fulfilling connections—without the fear of self-sabotage holding you back.

Final thoughts

Self-sabotage can quietly chip away at even the strongest relationships, leaving behind frustration, loneliness, and regret—but you don't have to stay stuck in this cycle forever. You have the power to change the script. Growth takes time, but it’s always possible. No matter how long you’ve been stuck in these patterns, you can start making changes today—building stronger, more fulfilling relationships along the way.