20 Trauma Bonding Examples Categorized By Relationship Type

We all want meaningful connections with others–it's just part of being human. But sometimes, the relationships we form can become complicated and painful, especially when they're rooted in trauma. If you've ever found yourself deeply attached to someone who hurts you, or felt unable to leave a toxic situation despite knowing it's harmful, you're not alone. This experience has a name: trauma bonding.

This isn't just an issue in romantic relationships. It can show up anywhere: at work, in friendships, within families, or with partners. And when you're in it, it can feel like being trapped in a maze where every turn leads you back to the same painful place.

If you relate to this, know that what you're feeling is valid, and recognizing what's happening is already a huge step forward. While shifting away from trauma bonding isn't easy, understanding what it is and how it works can help you start reclaiming your sense of self.

Common types of trauma bonding that can happen in any relationship

We tend to see three core patterns that tend to show up across different types of relationships:

• The cycle of abuse and intermittent reinforcement: Think of this like a really messed up roller coaster. There's a pattern of abusive behavior followed by periods of affection or remorse. This creates an incredibly powerful emotional connection because we're always hoping for those "high" moments to return.
• Isolation and dependency: This is when someone slowly cuts you off from your support system, making you increasingly dependent on them for emotional (and sometimes physical) needs. It's like slowly boiling a frog–it happens so gradually that you might not notice until you're in deep.
• Gaslighting and manipulation: This is where someone undermines your reality so much that you start questioning your own judgment. Soon enough, you're relying on them to tell you what's "real" and what isn't.

Here's the tricky part: these patterns usually show up together and reinforce each other, making it really hard to break free.

Real-world examples of trauma bonding in relationships

Example 1: Love Bombing and Isolation

• What it is: Think of it like a spotlight that burns so bright at first, you can't see anything else. Someone showers you with intense love, attention, and gifts–then suddenly, the light dims and you're left in the dark, emotionally and socially isolated.
• How the trauma bond happens: Remember that amazing feeling of being completely adored? It's like emotional drug–you get hooked on those early feelings of being special and cherished. When the isolation starts, you're already deeply attached and willing to do anything to get that initial "high" back.
• Example: Take Alex's story. Ben swept in like a fairy tale prince–constant compliments, surprise gifts, promises of forever. Before Alex knew what was happening, Ben had slowly convinced them that their friends "didn't understand their love" and their family was "interfering." Suddenly, Alex's world had shrunk to just Ben.
• Impact: It's like emotional whiplash–you end up terrified of being abandoned, second-guessing every new relationship, and wondering if you're even worthy of love at all.

Example 2: Gaslighting and Blame Shifting

• What it is: Imagine someone slowly rewriting your reality, like an editor making sneaky changes to your life's story until you don't recognize it anymore. They twist your memories and experiences, making you question everything you thought you knew.
• How the trauma bond happens: It's a bit like being lost in a funhouse mirror maze–you start relying on the person who put you there to tell you which way is up. They promise to help you find your way out if you just "try harder" to see things their way.
• Example: Sarah used to trust her gut completely. Now, when Mark says "that never happened" or "you're overreacting again," she finds herself scrolling through old texts, desperately trying to prove to herself she's not crazy. When he explodes in anger, he convinces her it's because she "pushed him too far."
• Impact: Over time, your internal compass gets completely scrambled–making decisions becomes terrifying, and you constantly doubt your own judgment and experiences.

Example 3: Financial Control and Dependency

• What it is: Picture someone holding the keys to your financial freedom, using money like a remote control for your life. They get to decide when you can buy groceries, visit a doctor, or even grab coffee with a friend.
• How the trauma bond happens: You slowly become financially dependent on the other person. Each time you need something, you have to go through them–and they remind you how "generous" they are while making you feel guilty for every dollar spent.
• Example: Emily never thought she'd end up here. What started as David "helping" with the bills turned into him monitoring every purchase, questioning every expense, and eventually taking complete control of their joint accounts. Now she has to ask permission to buy basics like shampoo.
• Impact: Your sense of independence takes a huge hit. Even after getting out, many people struggle to trust themselves with money or feel worthy of financial security.

Example 4: Physical and Emotional Abuse Cycle

• What it is: Picture a relationship that swings between extremes, like being caught in a storm followed by moments of perfect calm. The peaceful moments feel so precious that you'll weather any storm to get there.
• How the trauma bond happens: It's a similar phenomemon to what keeps people pulling slot machine levers. Those moments of peace and love become so rare and precious that you'll endure almost anything to experience them again.
• Example: Chris lives for the moments when Mia is loving and kind. After each explosive episode, Mia becomes the person Chris first fell in love with–tearfully apologetic, incredibly caring, promising "this time will be different." And Chris wants so badly to believe.
• Impact: The scars aren't just physical–they run deep into your soul. Building trust in future relationships feels like trying to build a house on quicksand, and finding stable ground again takes time and support.

Example 5: Threats and Intimidation

• What it is: This is one of the most direct forms of control, where someone uses fear, threats, and intimidation to maintain power over their partner. These aren't just empty words–they create a constant state of fear that affects every decision and action.
• How the trauma bond happens: Living under constant threats creates an overwhelming sense of danger that makes it nearly impossible to think clearly about leaving. The focus shifts from finding a way out to just making it through each day. When the person threatening you is also someone who claims to love you, it creates a confusing and paralyzing dynamic.
• Example: Olivia's daily life revolves around preventing Ethan's next outburst. His history of violence makes his threats feel very real. When she thinks about leaving, his warnings about what he'll do to her or her family echo in her mind. She stays, telling herself it's safer this way, even as her world gets smaller and darker.
• Impact: The constant state of high alert takes a serious toll. Beyond the immediate fear, people often develop intense anxiety that affects their sleep, their ability to concentrate, and their overall health. Many find themselves pulling away from friends and family, partly out of shame and partly because maintaining those relationships feels too risky.

Remember: These are just examples, and trauma bonding can manifest in countless ways. If you or someone you know is experiencing abuse, please reach out for help.

Trauma bonding examples in friendships

Example 6: Emotional Blackmail and Guilt Tripping

• What it is: This is what happens when one friend wields guilt and emotional manipulation like a weapon. They've mastered the art of making their friend feel responsible for their happiness and wellbeing, often through subtle pressure and emotional threats.
• How the trauma bond happens: Over time, you start walking on eggshells, constantly worried about upsetting your friend. The weight of their emotional needs becomes so heavy that you start putting them before your own just to keep the peace. You learn that saying "no" comes with a price–usually days of dealing with their hurt feelings or silent treatment.
• Example: Sarah can't remember the last time she enjoyed a night out without feeling guilty. Every time she makes plans, Emily calls with some crisis that only Sarah can help with. The message is clear: if Sarah chooses to do something else, she's abandoning Emily when she needs her most.
• Impact: The constant guilt and pressure chip away at your confidence. Setting boundaries starts to feel impossible, and you might find yourself resenting your friend while simultaneously feeling unable to stand up to them.

Example 7: Gaslighting and Manipulation

• What it is: This friendship dynamic involves constant second-guessing. Your friend has a way of making your feelings seem wrong or excessive, slowly eroding your confidence in your own judgment.
• How the trauma bond happens: When someone consistently tells you that your feelings aren't valid, you start looking to them to tell you how you should feel. It's a gradual process–you begin doubting your own reactions and relying on their version of events, even when it doesn't match what you remember.
• Example: Whenever Alex tries to discuss something that bothers them, Ben dismisses it. "You're being dramatic again," or "Why do you always make such a big deal out of nothing?" have become such common responses that Alex now apologizes for having feelings at all.
• Impact: Your inner voice gets quieter and quieter. Making decisions becomes harder because you've lost trust in your own judgment, and anxiety becomes a constant companion.

Example 8: Isolation and Control

• What it is: This type of friendship slowly transforms from a healthy relationship into one where one friend tries to become the other's entire social world. They discourage other friendships and activities that don't include them.
• How the trauma bond happens: It happens so gradually that you might not notice at first. Your friend's concerns about others seem caring, and their desire to spend all their time with you feels flattering. Before you know it, they've become your primary (or only) social connection.
• Example: What started as Riley expressing concern about Maya's other friends has evolved into full-blown control. Every time Maya mentions plans with others, Riley has a reason why those friends are "toxic" or "don't really care about you like I do." Now Maya's social circle has shrunk to just Riley.
• Impact: You lose touch with who you are outside of this friendship. Making new friends feels scary and almost impossible, and your world feels incredibly small.

Example 9: Betrayal and Conditional Love

• What it is: In this dynamic, one friend repeatedly breaks trust and crosses boundaries, but always follows up with passionate apologies and promises to do better. The cycle of betrayal and reconciliation becomes a painful pattern.
• How the trauma bond happens: Each time there's a betrayal, it's followed by such convincing remorse that you want to believe things will be different. The memory of your early friendship keeps you holding on, hoping this time the changes will stick.
• Example: Danny has lost count of how many times their private information has ended up being shared by Chris. Each time, Chris seems genuinely sorry and swears it won't happen again. Danny wants to believe them because ending the friendship feels harder than giving them another chance.
• Impact: Your ability to trust becomes seriously damaged, not just with this friend but in all relationships. You develop a constant sense of waiting for the other shoe to drop, making it hard to feel secure in any friendship.

Example 10: Intense Jealousy and Competition

• What it is: A friendship that feels more like a rivalry, where one friend creates a constant atmosphere of comparison and competition instead of support. Every achievement, decision, or life event becomes another chance to measure up against each other.
• How the trauma bond happens: You get caught in a cycle of trying to prove your worth to keep the friendship alive. The constant comparing and competing becomes normal, even though it leaves you feeling drained and insecure.
• Example: Olivia can't share any news without Emily finding a way to one-up her. Their mutual friends have started playing into it too, always comparing them and making comments like "Emily got a better job" or "Olivia's relationship isn't as perfect as Emily's."
• Impact: Your confidence takes a hit because nothing ever feels good enough. The constant competition makes it hard to trust new friends or feel secure in relationships, and many people end up either becoming overly competitive or withdrawing from friendships altogether.

Family trauma bonding examples

Example 11: Parental Favoritism and Rejection

• What it is: A parent openly prefers one child over another, creating a painful family dynamic where one child constantly feels like they're not good enough. It goes beyond normal sibling differences–it's a persistent pattern that shapes the entire family environment.
• How the trauma bond happens: The less-favored child keeps trying harder and harder to win their parent's love, like they're running a race they can never win. Each small sign of approval becomes precious, keeping them locked in this exhausting cycle.
• Example: Sarah watches her mom light up every time Emily enters the room. No matter what Sarah achieves–straight A's, sports victories, art shows–it's always met with "Why can't you be more like your sister?" She keeps pushing herself harder, hoping that maybe this time she'll finally be enough.
• Impact: This dynamic follows you into adulthood, showing up as a constant need to prove your worth. Many people struggle with feeling inherently flawed or unlovable, always searching for validation from others.

Example 12: Parental Gaslighting and Blame Shifting

• What it is: A parent consistently denies or twists their child's experiences and emotions, making the child question their own understanding of events. They might dismiss real problems or blame the child for the parent's own behavior.
• How the trauma bond happens: When the person who's supposed to help you understand the world keeps telling you that you're wrong about what you feel and experience, you start relying on them to tell you what's real.
• Example: Every time Alex tries to talk about feeling hurt or upset, their father shuts it down: "You're being too sensitive," "That never happened," "You're making me angry by saying these things." Alex has started keeping a journal just to remind themselves what really happened.
• Impact: This creates deep confusion about your own feelings and experiences. Many people grow up struggling to trust their own judgment or stand firm in their own truth.

Example13: Sibling Bullying and Isolation

• What it is: One sibling repeatedly hurts or excludes another, turning what should be a supportive relationship into a source of constant stress and pain. The parents either don't notice or minimize the behavior.
• How the trauma bond happens: Despite the bullying, you still desperately want your sibling's approval and love. Each small moment of kindness gives you hope that things might change, keeping you invested in the relationship.
• Example: Maya dreads family dinners because her brother Riley always finds ways to mock her or turn everyone against her. Still, when he occasionally acts like a caring brother, she clings to those moments, hoping that's the "real" him.
• Impact: The home stops feeling safe, and you might struggle to trust others or set healthy boundaries in relationships. Many people carry this pain into their adult relationships.

Example 14: Parental Addiction and Neglect

• What it is: Living with a parent whose addiction creates chaos and unpredictability at home. The child ends up taking on adult responsibilities way too early, trying to keep the family functioning.
• How the trauma bond happens: You become tangled in a web of responsibility and guilt. Taking care of your parent or siblings gives you a sense of purpose and control in an otherwise chaotic situation.
• Example: At just twelve, Chris has mastered making dinner, helping with homework, and coming up with excuses for why Mom can't make it to school events. The rare moments when she's sober and loving make it all feel worth it.
• Impact: You grow up too fast, often struggling to relax or let others take care of you. Many people become compulsive caretakers or find it hard to trust that others will be there for them.

Example 15: Grandparent Manipulation and Isolation

• What it is: A grandparent who creates rifts in the family by playing people against each other, especially targeting the relationship between parents and their children.
• How the trauma bond happens: The grandparent offers special attention and "understanding" while subtly undermining other family relationships. They might position themselves as the only person who truly cares.
• Example: Olivia's grandmother constantly tells her secret "truths" about her parents–how they don't really love her, how they're doing everything wrong. She makes Olivia feel special while slowly driving wedges between her and her parents.
• Impact: You end up caught in between conflicting loyalties, never sure who to trust. Many people struggle with maintaining healthy family relationships or setting appropriate boundaries.

Examples of trauma bonding in the workplace

Example 16: Abusive Boss and Fear of Retaliation

• What it is: A workplace where your boss uses fear and humiliation as management tools. They might publicly criticize you, make impossible demands, or hold your job security over your head like a threat.
• How the trauma bond happens: You stay because the fear of what could happen if you leave feels worse than the daily abuse. Your boss might hint at ruining your reputation or career, making you feel trapped in a situation that gets worse over time.
• Example: Sarah's stomach drops every time Alex, her boss, calls a team meeting. She knows there's a good chance she'll be singled out and criticized in front of everyone. Even though she's a skilled professional, she's terrified of looking for another job because Alex has threatened to "make sure she never works in this industry again."
• Impact: Your confidence in your professional abilities crumbles. Many people struggle with anxiety, depression, and even panic attacks, while others find themselves paralyzed at the thought of job hunting.

Example 17: Workplace Bullying and Isolation

• What it is: A work environment where you're dealing with coworkers who've turned bullying into a team sport. They might spread rumors, leave you out of important conversations, or actively work to make you look bad.
• How the trauma bond happens: Being excluded at work is incredibly painful, and sometimes you find yourself trying to win over the very people who are hurting you, just to feel less alone during your workday.
• Example: Maya watches her coworkers head out to lunch together, again without inviting her. She's found her work mysteriously "missing" from shared drives and overhears whispered conversations that stop when she walks by. She's afraid to report it because it would only make the isolation worse.
• Impact: Work becomes a daily source of stress and anxiety. Your performance suffers because you're spending so much energy just trying to navigate the social minefield.

Example 18: Gaslighting and Blame Shifting

• What it is: Working with someone who constantly makes you question your own competence and perception of events. They might rewrite history about project decisions or convince you that you're misunderstanding "simple" instructions.
• How the trauma bond happens: You start relying on this person to tell you if you're doing things right, even though they're the one creating the confusion. Each time they validate your work, it feels like a relief.
• Example: Chris used to be confident in their work, but after months of Danny saying things like "That's not what we discussed" and "You're just not understanding the basics," they now double and triple-check everything and still feel unsure.
• Impact: Your professional confidence takes a serious hit. Making decisions becomes harder, and you might find yourself constantly seeking approval before moving forward with even simple tasks.

Example 19: Overwork and Burnout

• What it is: A workplace that glorifies overwork and treats basic boundaries as weakness. Success is measured by how much of yourself you're willing to sacrifice for the job.
• How the trauma bond happens: The praise and recognition for "going above and beyond" becomes addictive. You start defining your worth by how many extra hours you put in, even as your personal life falls apart.
• Example: Olivia's become known as the person who'll always say yes to one more project, one more late night, one more weekend. The recognition feels good, but she can't remember the last time she saw her friends or got a full night's sleep.
• Impact: Your physical and mental health suffer as you lose the boundary between work and life. Burning out starts to feel normal, and stepping back feels impossible.

Example 20: Favoritism and Competition

• What it is: A workplace where advancement depends more on being in the boss's inner circle than on actual performance. It creates an environment where everyone's competing for attention rather than focusing on their work.
• How the trauma bond happens: The constant push to be "chosen" becomes all-consuming. You find yourself changing your behavior, appearance, or even values to match what seems to win favor.
• Example: Sarah notices that Alex, her boss, gives the best projects to people who laugh at his jokes and join him for drinks after work. She finds herself staying late, agreeing with his opinions, and feeling sick with anxiety when she sees him chatting with her colleagues.
• Impact: The constant pressure to be "perfect" takes its toll. Many people find themselves losing sight of their own values while struggling to maintain authentic relationships with coworkers.

Deeper dive into trauma bonding

The neuroscience of trauma bonding

Let's talk about what's happening behind the scenes when trauma bonding takes hold. It's not just about emotions–your brain is actually going through some pretty intense changes.

Think of your brain's stress response system (officially called the HPA axis) like a car alarm that's gotten way too sensitive. At first, it does what it's supposed to do: rings when there's danger. But after being triggered over and over by abuse and stress, it starts going off at the slightest touch.

Your brain starts constantly pumping out stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, this becomes your brain's new normal.

But here's where it gets really interesting: your brain's reward system is also part of this complicated dance. Remember how we talked about those moments of kindness that keep you hoping things will change? Each time that happens, your brain releases dopamine: the same chemical that makes us feel good when we eat chocolate or fall in love. Your brain never knows when the next release will come, but it's always hoping it's just around the corner.

The role of fear and anxiety

Fear isn't just an emotion in trauma bonding–it's a powerful control tool. When you're constantly walking on eggshells, your body stays in survival mode. It's like trying to solve a complex math problem while someone's constantly setting off firecrackers next to you–your brain literally can't think straight.

Abusers know exactly how to use this. They might threaten to leave, give you the silent treatment, or withhold affection. They've figured out that playing with your fear of being abandoned or rejected is a pretty effective way to keep you stuck in the relationship.

Trauma bonding and codependency

These two often show up together, like unwelcome party guests who feed off each other. While they're not exactly the same thing, they definitely make each other worse.

Codependency is what happens when you start believing that your worth comes from taking care of someone else, even at your own expense. In trauma bonding, this shows up as becoming completely dependent on the very person who's hurting you–looking to them for safety even though they're the source of danger.

Both of these patterns mess with your sense of self and your ability to set healthy boundaries, making it hard to know where you end and someone else begins. When you understand how these patterns work together, it becomes easier to start addressing both issues in recovery.

Breaking free from a trauma bond

Let's talk about getting out and healing from trauma bonding. This isn't going to be a quick fix, but there are concrete steps you can take to start reclaiming your life and your sense of self.

• Face What's Happening: Acknowledging that you're in a trauma bond can feel overwhelming, but recognizing these patterns is your first step toward freedom. Give yourself credit for being here and learning about what you're experiencing.
• Find Your People: You don't have to do this alone. Connect with trusted friends, family members, or support groups who understand what you're going through. Having people in your corner makes a world of difference.
• Create Your Exit Strategy: Your safety matters more than anything. Take time to plan your next steps carefully. This includes finding a secure place to stay, gathering important documents, and figuring out how to communicate with others safely.
• Work with a Professional: A good therapist can be life-changing during this process. They can help you understand what you've been through and develop solid strategies for moving forward. They're also there to support you through the tough moments.
• Set Clear Boundaries: Start small with boundary-setting and build from there. This might mean limiting contact with the person you're trauma bonded to or learning to say no to things that don't serve your wellbeing.
• Rebuild Your Confidence: Focus on reconnecting with yourself. What did you use to enjoy? What makes you feel strong? Start adding these elements back into your life, one small step at a time.
• Keep Learning: Understanding more about trauma bonding, abuse patterns, and healthy relationships can help you spot red flags early and make choices that support your wellbeing.
• Be Gentle with Yourself: Healing isn't linear. Some days will feel like victories, others like setbacks. Both are normal parts of the process.

Remember, breaking free from a trauma bond is a journey, not a destination. Celebrate your progress and be kind to yourself throughout the process.

Final thoughts

Breaking free from trauma bonding is challenging, but you're stronger than you know. Remember that healing happens one day at a time, and every small step counts. Your safety and wellbeing deserve to be priorities.

Don't hesitate to reach out for professional help-you don't have to figure this all out on your own. Whether you're just starting to recognize these patterns or already working on breaking free, know that healing is possible.

If you're reading this and recognizing these patterns in your life, take a deep breath. You've already taken an important step by learning more about what you're experiencing. The path forward might not be easy, but it's absolutely worth taking.