Walking Away From an Avoidant: How to & Potential Impact

Loving someone with an avoidant attachment style can be an emotionally draining experience. If you've found yourself constantly seeking connection while your partner seems to pull away, you're not alone. 

The decision to walk away from such a relationship is often filled with conflicting emotions: hope, doubt, love, and frustration. It's natural to feel torn between your desire for closeness and the need to protect your own emotional well-being. 

This article aims to explore the complex process of stepping back from an avoidant partner, acknowledging both the challenges and the potential for personal growth. 

As you read on, remember that your feelings are valid, and prioritizing your mental health is not selfish, but necessary for your overall well-being.

Note on language: In this blog post, we use terms like “an avoidant” to refer to a person with an avoidant attachment style. However, we recognize that people are more than their attachment style, behavior pattern, or diagnosis, and this term is meant to describe rather than stigmatize.

Signs it's time to walk away from an avoidant

Have you ever poured your heart out about a concern, only to be met with silence or a change of subject? 

Does planning dates or initiating conversations feel like pulling teeth? These could be signs you're in a relationship with someone exhibiting avoidant attachment behaviors. 

While some level of independence is healthy, consistent emotional distance and a fear of intimacy can take a toll on your well-being. Here are some red flags to watch for.

Constant emotional distance

• Definition: This refers to a partner who struggles to express affection, vulnerability, or offer emotional support.
• Scenario: You're excited to share a promotion at work, but your partner seems mildly interested and quickly steers the conversation toward something else. Celebrations and milestones rarely feel like shared experiences.
• Impact: This lack of enthusiasm and emotional connection can leave you feeling unseen and unheard. You might crave deeper intimacy and struggle to feel truly connected.

Stonewalling during conflicts

• Definition: This describes a tactic where your partner shuts down communication entirely during disagreements.
• Scenario: You try to address a recurring issue in the relationship, but your partner shuts down completely. They might offer one-word responses, refuse eye contact, or abruptly change the subject.
• Impact: Stonewalling prevents healthy conflict resolution. You're left feeling unheard, frustrated, and with no solution in sight. It can also signal a lack of respect for your feelings and needs.

Unbalanced effort

• Definition: This refers to a dynamic where you put in most of the emotional labor in the relationship.
• Scenario: You constantly initiate texts and calls, plan activities, and express affection. Your partner rarely reciprocates, and you feel like you're the only one putting in the emotional labor.
• Impact: This one-sided dynamic can lead to resentment and exhaustion. You might question the partner's commitment and feel emotionally drained from constantly reaching out.

Fear of commitment

• Definition: This describes a partner who avoids discussions about the future or taking steps towards a deeper commitment.
• Scenario: Discussions about the future feel like a minefield. Your partner avoids questions about moving in together, getting married, or even defining the relationship.
• Impact: This lack of clarity leaves you feeling insecure and unsure about where the relationship stands. You might crave stability and long for a partner who shares your vision for the future.

Broken promises and mixed signals

• Definition: This refers to a pattern of inconsistent behavior where your partner makes promises they don't keep or sends mixed signals about their feelings.
• Scenario: Your partner promises a romantic weekend getaway but cancels last minute due to "work stress." This pattern of broken promises or hot-and-cold behavior is a recurring theme.
• Impact: Inconsistency creates confusion and emotional whiplash. You might struggle to trust your partner's word and feel unsure about their true feelings.

Remember, these are just some examples. Every relationship is unique. However, if these behaviors are a consistent pattern and negatively impact your well-being, it might be time to consider if the relationship is healthy for you.

How to have the conversation

Saying goodbye to any relationship is tough, but navigating a break-up with someone who exhibits avoidant behaviors is challenging in different ways. Here's how to approach this conversation with a focus on clear communication and self-compassion.

Acknowledging the difficulty

First, recognize that this conversation likely won't be easy. An avoidant person might withdraw or try to deflect.  It's important to prepare yourself for a range of reactions and prioritize your own emotional well-being throughout the process.

Clarity and directness

Opt for clear and direct communication. Using "I" statements is key. Instead of accusatory statements like "You never want to talk about your feelings," try something like "I feel unheard and disconnected when we don't communicate openly." Clearly express your needs and what you're looking for in a relationship.

Anticipating challenges

Be prepared for potential challenges. The avoidant person might shut down, become defensive, or try to change the subject. 

Maintain your composure and avoid getting drawn into an argument. If they withdraw, you can acknowledge their need for space but set a boundary for when you'll revisit the conversation if either of you want to.

The option of a letter

If a face-to-face conversation seems impossible, consider writing a letter. This allows you to clearly express your thoughts and feelings without the pressure of immediate response. The written word can also give the avoidant person time to process things on their own terms.

Remember, the goal here is to be honest and assertive, while also being respectful of their communication style.

Understanding the aftermath

Ending a relationship, especially with someone exhibiting avoidant tendencies, can be an emotional rollercoaster. It's perfectly normal to experience a range of feelings, including the following.

• Sadness and grief: The loss of the relationship and the potential future you envisioned can bring deep sadness. Allow yourself to grieve and process these emotions in a healthy way.
• Anger and frustration: You might feel angry at the unmet needs and the one-sided effort you put in. Acknowledge these feelings but express them constructively, perhaps through journaling or talking to a trusted friend.
• Confusion: The avoidant person's behavior might leave you confused about what went wrong or questioning your own actions and self worth. Seek clarity through self-reflection, but avoid dwelling on unanswered questions. You might never get clarity about aspects of your relationship.

Facing the avoidant's reaction

It's important to acknowledge that the avoidant person might not react as you'd hoped. Here are some possibilities.

• Minimal response: They might offer a brief acknowledgment or downplay the situation entirely. This can be frustrating, but remember it's a reflection of their attachment style, not a measure of your worth.
• Attempts to minimize or shift blame: They might try to minimize the problems or shift blame onto you. Don't get drawn into an argument. Focus on your own boundaries and emotional well-being.

Moving forward with self-care

The key to navigating this aftermath is prioritizing self-care. Here are some tips to support your emotional healing:

• Lean on your support network: Surround yourself with loved ones who can offer understanding and encouragement. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about your experiences.
• Focus on yourself: Invest in activities you enjoy and that make you feel good. This could be anything from pursuing hobbies to learning a new skill. Focus on rediscovering yourself and building a strong sense of identity and self-worth outside of the relationship.
• Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself throughout this process. Allow yourself to feel your emotions, but don't dwell on negativity. Practice self-compassionate techniques like mindfulness or journaling.

Remember, healing takes time. By focusing on self-care and surrounding yourself with supportive people, you can move on from this experience and build healthier relationships in the future.

Final thoughts

Walking away from an avoidant partner can be a difficult but empowering decision. Prioritizing your emotional well-being and seeking healthy relationships is a sign of strength, not weakness.

Remember, you deserve a partner who is emotionally available and willing to invest in the relationship.

For help with your break up, find a therapist today!